Adventure of the emotions
Normally I enjoy a trip on a train. I’d brought a book with me as usual and was preparing for a relaxing hour or so on a relatively quiet journey. This time, I just couldn’t concentrate. I was hyper-aware of my surroundings, taking in the sights through the windows and the sounds of wheels on tracks. My mind was running through a variety of scenarios. And then it was clear to me – these were nerves, this was anticipation. Despite being a full 24 hours before running a marathon and only being on the journey to pick up my race number, my feelings had taken over my consciousness. During the rest of the journey, I had the space to be more fully aware of those emotions and the effects they were having on my body: the flickering of my pupils, the mild jittering in my stomach, the thumping of my pulse. They were real. At the time they were significant. I was nervous because I had been training (no pun intended) for eight months; there was nothing more I could do to prepare; and it mattered to me. It may only have been a small act of recognition on my part, but I was able in some way to embrace the nervous energy in my body.
My experience on a train into London marks out roughly the level I’m at, as I consider what setting out on an adventure of the emotions might involve. For me, feelings were not regularly discussed at great depth in the household I grew up. I often find it difficult to articulate my mood or feelings precisely because I’m not sure how I feel. It can be something I struggle to discuss, not from awkwardness or embarrassment, but because I’m less confident. I regularly process changes and events in my head, attempting to make sense of them, rather than following my heart. If anything, I probably developed a habit from childhood of supressing feelings. As a result, going on an adventure of the emotions is not something I feel well-prepared or practised for. But that’s ok. I suspect that as with map-reading, knowing where you are starting from is probably helpful if you want to make progress towards a desired goal.
Some of my background in emotions is cultural, echoing the attitude of keeping a stiff upper lip. These were not especially developed by my upbringing in church, where perhaps knowledge was more prioritised than feelings. When I learned stories about Jesus’ emotions as told in stories in the gospels, little was made of his feelings. I knew Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died but I don’t recall links being fully explored about the impact of grief. I was taught the story of Jesus upturning tables in the temple because he was angry but potential connections between the indignation that we may experience today at corruption and injustice could have been developed more. I was aware Jesus was alone and full of despair after the last supper but wasn’t encouraged to draw on experiences of feeling helpless where no one seems to understand your plight. Perhaps a re-reading of some of these stories may serve as a starting point as we reflect on our own emotions and how to link them to faith.
